You Don't Ask, You Don't Get

OK, I reasoned, so he never goes out dancing. No, he has been going out twice a week for years. Oh, we must just miss each other, I inferred. Where does he go? Well, just one place. He didn't know about other places. But certainly he knows about the two WCS clubs in town? No, he'd never heard of them.

OK, now I'm upset. You mean, you've been dancing for four years and you've never heard of the TWO clubs set up exclusively to cater to your dancing whims!?! Non-profit, volunteer organizations who spend inordinate amounts of time and money to make sure you have a nice, reliable, fun place to go to dance??

No. You see, he only dances with about five people, and he goes where they are. Five people? But why would a single, handsome, good dancer only dance with five people when there are followers out there straining their smiles to get someone to ask them to dance? Well, it seems when he was a new dancer, several people turned him down, then danced with someone else. He wouldn't go through that rejection again.

My story has a happy ending, that also contains a moral. Seems that a woman recently approached him to dance. Now, not only does he have a girlfriend, he's been to about ten new venues, learned new dances and dances with lots and lots of new friends. New love, new life. Cue the violins.

The moral is:

1. Don't bother punishing all mankind because of the actions of a few. The one who gets the worst of the deal is you.

2. Screw up your courage, guys and gals! You don't ask, you don't get.

Truly, I am always amazed at the vitality and versatility of the dance scene in the Twin Cities. The Twin Cities dance scene is loosely divided into the ballroom scene, the Cajun/zydeco scene, the salsa scene, polka scene, west coast swing scene, lindy scene, country scene, Argentine tango scene, etc. Dancers move freely from one scene to another, and sometimes it's hard to tell what scene they're from. But I get great delight in watching a beautiful ballroom-style waltz danced at the Rodeo country bar while other dancers cuddle with their sweethearts in the middle. What fun it was to watch a local professional couple dance a tango during a local swing night while other couples did cha-chas and swing. And did you know that zydeco dancers love salsa, because the dance is almost identical?

So, here is my suggestion to all dancers: go out and experience a new scene this month.

Oh, and another thing to those about-to-be-invaded: (I'm not speaking to any of you, my beloved readers, who are generous and kind and know how to share floor space) Be open and welcoming to the newcomer who checks out your scene. Forgive them for not knowing the music or maybe etiquette, and let them dance the dance they know, even if it's not the routine in your venue.

So now I suppose you're expecting me to provide you with the information to find these other scenes, or at least point you towards the information. As much as it pains your all-knowing Social Dance columnist to admit, I'm not too familiar with the zydeco or polka scene. However, for Zydeco information you can try the Minnesota Cajun and Zydeco Music and Dance Association (MCZMDA). Members are called "Krewe de Walleye." They promote local dance events and sponsor Louisiana traveling bands for dances. One will be appearing July 16. Call (612) 729-1129 or 612-978-3126 for more information. For Polka, try the P.o.L.K.A (Polka Lover's Klub of America) or the United Polka Association at (612) 757-5458. I've reported most other dance hotlines and websites in previous columns, so check your Dancing Times archives.

How to Win Venues and Influence Dance Floor Owners 

I guess it’s no secret that the folks in the dance crowd are not the biggest drinkers, and that occasionally a nice dance night has been lost because it just wasn’t profitable.

This has been an ongoing topic of conversation among dancers. I’ve recently had the chance to talk to a venue owner at length, and have been watching the dance customers interact with the staff and management at a couple of places.  So, using my multicultural communication skills as well as my business and marketing expertise, here's what I think we can do:

You can get venues to like you without spending a lot of money! How?

1.        Find the owner or manager. Tell him what a nice place he has, and what a great thing he’s doing. Thank him for providing a dance venue.

2.        Tell everyone who works there you came because of the dancing and you're really happy to be there. Thank them too. Smile. Be nice. 

3.  Be fun.  Not just with the people you came with, but with the rest of the clientele.  Let them thank you for being entertaining.

4.        If there's a hostess, let him/her seat you. If there's a waiter, let him/her serve you.

5.        Dress appropriately for the venue.  Looking good helps add to the joint's ambience.

6.        Follow the basic rules of etiquette (When changing shoes, don't put them on the white tablecloth, for instance).

We are all representatives of the dance scene, and everything we do individually reflects on the whole. We're competing with customers that spend $30/night on bar tabs, sit quietly (well, maybe not after the $30 bar tab...) and take up a lot less room. I think the thing we have to remember is that bar owners are not just in this for the money, but also partly for their egos and to have fun.  We can definitely be that kind of crowd!

I've been reading some opinions lately on how to get asked to dance, how to ask someone to dance, whether it's OK to turn someone down, whether it's OK to interrupt a conversation to ask someone to dance, etc.

Out in the social dance world, nothing is more important than asking or getting asked to dance when you're a single dancer. Some people are better at politely letting someone know they want to dance than others. So how can we break the ice in new dance situations?

Here are some tips I've found to help you dance in a new dance setting:

1) Dress for dancing. Bring the right dance shoes, since dancers notice whether someone has the wrong kind of shoes. It's worth investing in the appropriate clothes.

2) Take the lessons offered at the beginning of the dance, even if you are an advanced dancer and it's a lesson for beginners. People, especially beginners who are looking for partners, are more likely to be taking part in the lessons.

3) At the lesson and throughout the night, introduce yourself to each new partner you meet. Let them know you are new to town, the dance venue, this type of dancing.

4) If you can, help the beginners. Everyone was a beginner once. The best partners are people who are eager to learn. And when they get good, they'll remember your generosity.

5) Ask for help if you are new to the dance style and thank anyone who dances with you for being patient.

6) Always take part in mixers.

7) Don't sit or dance with someone for very long or potential partners may assume you are together. If you go with a friend, split up. You can reconnect every now and then during the evening.

8) Circulate and pay attention to where single people tend to stand if they want to be asked to dance. Stand near the dance floor. Smile and look happy!

9) Use a good opening line. You might say, "I'm new to this town/dance/venue and don't know anyone here. Would you like to dance?" Or "I've noticed you dancing tonight, and you're just wonderful! Would you mind dancing with me?" That last one gets 'em every time...

I've been thinking lately of how lucky people are who know how to dance. So often, when I'm out dancing in a setting with non-dancers, I hear people say, "Wow, that's great - how did you learn to do that?" They're fascinated, but when I tell them they can learn, they don't believe me.

Learning to dance isn't easy, but it's not as hard as most people think. And of course, the rewards are enormous. It's great exercise, and where else do you get to hold a relative stranger that close, if only for 3 minutes? If it's true that you need six hugs a day for spiritual growth, my spirit is enormous!

One of the saddest things I see is people who take a series of lessons, maybe go to a dance or two, and then let their learning slip away. Right before they get over the awkwardness, while they're still in a bit of frustration, they stop. If only they would keep at it for another month, or maybe two, the skill would be there for a lifetime - almost like that famed bicycle ability.

The elusive dance we love is probably harder to learn than most (although the hug factor is greater!). Connection is more crucial than in other dances, and connection is always hard to master. But when you do, when you get it, there it is: a Tango Moment. Then you're hooked.

That doesn't mean there won't be many other times of frustration. Times when you try and try to learn a new step and it doesn't work. Times when you can't get comfortable with any of your partners all night. Times when you see the masters and think you're not even dancing the same dance. But in the years I've been working at this dance, I've come to treasure those moments. I know that the deeper my frustration, the more my skill is growing.

When I was in Buenos Aires, I had so many Tango Moments my head was swimming. But I also had some frustration. The Argentineans are so good! The end result was extreme growth, and a much, much better understanding of this dance. How sad if I would have given up that day a long time ago when I saw a tango demo and realized that what I was doing at the time could hardly even be called tango. I almost gave up, but I gave it one more shot.

I'm so encouraged right now that I might even start taking those guitar lessons again - why did I give those up?

Lois Donnay, President, Tango Society of Minnesota

www.mntango.org  

Support Your Local Dance Promoter

A local dance Website has come up with the idea of polling its visitors and asking them for their votes on the best swing dance promoter in the Twin Cities. This got me thinking of all of the dance promoters we have here in Minnesota, and how lucky we are, and what a debt we owe them.

We who have decided to adopt dance as our favorite pursuit have unfortunately picked a hobby that takes lots of room, needs an expensive floor, the right amount of air conditioning if you're moving and the right amount of heat if you're not, and just exactly the right kind of music (and this, of course, is different for every dancer). We’re also very picky about each one of these (especially the music) and we don’t want to pay too much or travel too far or be too crowded, plus we'd like to have all our favorite dancers there, but not taking up too much room on the dancefloor close to us.

So some in our community have decided to help us out and create events where we can go and dance. Most of the time for no return other than personal satisfaction, they negotiate floor space, arrange for music, provide refreshments, do all of the advertising and publicity, set up before the dance, greet everyone during, clean up after, and in general take care of every whim that a dancer might have during the evening. For this, they often get some thanks, but they also get lots of complaints - too much/too little swing/Latin/smooth music, music isn't right, sticky/slippery floor, cover too high, not enough leaders/followers, temperature too cold/too hot, nobody welcomed them when they came in, no paper in the bathrooms - and I could probably go on.

So next time you’re at a dance, whether it’s at a studio, club, ballroom or bar, try to have some sympathy for the organizer. And go ahead and thank them, but you’ve already done what they want most - you showed up.

Now I know that some people are a little anxious about entering into a May-December relationship, even if it's only for two and a half minutes on the dance floor. There even have been dance clubs created on the premise of age. But we're talking about the urge to dance here, folks, not the urge to attract a mate. Right? Right? Hello??

OK, so there are a few people who dance for less than unselfish reasons - namely to get close to people of the opposite sex. I know that there are men (sometimes around my age) who don't prefer to dance with an old lady like me when they can dance with someone twenty years younger. I understand this, accept this and even encourage it – yes, I do - by telling this secret to men who don't dance (yet). As long as a man is dancing, I don't care if he got into dancing just to be close to beautiful young women. After all, for every woman he takes onto the dance floor, he narrows the pool so I have a better chance at getting a dance with the leftovers.

However, there are a large number of dancers who dance for love of a different sort. Love of the music, love of movement, love for developing connection and communication with another human. Of course, these are  often the dancers who are the best. Many times those who started dancing with the hope of meeting potential mates find this kind of love instead. Yes! Another one hooked!

So, my advice to women is: seek out new venues, and ask that nineteen-year-old to dance. He'll probably be honored, and you'll get a great dance experience.

As I wrote last month (and some of you actually read) I had not been my usual gadabout dancing self of late. I have been letting the couch, the TV, the movies, and non-dancing friends lure me into other recreational opportunities.

 Since there was that whole 10 days where I didn’t go out dancing, I began to think of those people I see from time to time. These are the people we’ve forgotten about – the prodigal dancer that, due to illness, family obligations, love and/or other severe life problems have been forced to drop out of the dance scene.

 One person particularly comes to mind. I was at a music venue where the music was great for dancing and a few dancers had shown up. This gentleman whom I hadn’t seen in a year (I could name him but I’ll protect him) was there to listen to the music. After reacquainting ourselves, I asked him to dance. He was reluctant – surely in the time that he had been gone he had forgotten everything! I was insistent and so we danced. It was really interesting to see things come back to him a little at a time. We danced simply at first, but soon he was doing fancy things that he couldn’t believe he remembered.

 So bear in mind, oh ye fallen away dancer: You will be welcomed, without question, into your dance community’s loving and forgiving arms. No amount of time, no amount of money, and no amount of rebellion can get in the way of the local dance scene’s patience and unconditional love for their own.

 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry. Luke 15:24

 As for myself, I’ve been slowly working my way back in to the dance scene, after having seen three first run movies, attended two parties and learned what  in the heck “Reality Television” means.  But I have been experimenting a little – that means I’ve been going to the more unusual places. Places where not everyone is a dancer. Places where you can have an adult beverage. Places where they think “free-style” is an art. Places where the music is more important to most of the clientele than the size and quality of the dancefloor.